Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
So drunk its hurt
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
