I need help removing her.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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