just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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