I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
