once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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