Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
