Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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