somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
why does every cop we meet know your name?
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
