The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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