I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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