I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
3pm strippers are depressing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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