Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
