I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
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Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
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I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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