Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
