Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Randomize
