Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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