I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
