i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Randomize
