i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I need to sanitize my soul.
Randomize
