Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
