You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
