dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
