my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
