woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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