Just fell off a train. Bad.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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