in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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