How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
