Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
