I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
