I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Randomize
