So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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