We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
