just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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