I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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