So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
