Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
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