I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
