Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
