I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
