Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Will exercising make me less horny?
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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