I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
