I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
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