remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
