I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
