why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
