new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Randomize
