if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
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