Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
