we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
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