life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly