Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby