3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
You're completely useless in the revolution.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
