you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
