Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Randomize
