she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
