you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Randomize
