Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
