Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
