Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
