nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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