True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
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