I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Randomize
