is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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