this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
