im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
You have to summon your inner elephant
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
