I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
